Up and down and back again, and to and fro, and fuck this, man.
My heart, it hurts, I can’t bear it.
I’m okay, I’m okay, just tell yourself that.
I’m up, my emotions soar, I can carry the world.
Down again, moments later, an unworthy speck.
"You don't deserve love," it reminds me.
An echo of another time formed in fear and shame.
From a place of fervent ebullience to impenetrable darkness.
The former maybe more than just a state of being, of feeling, but rather a shell created in yearning.
The latter a place I know, a place of comfort, a home in which to breathe again.
Until I go looking for the joy.
I know it's there, maybe over there, maybe here.
I hold it tight.