Back and Forth, Up and Down

Up and down and back again, and to and fro, and fuck this, man.

My heart, it hurts, I can’t bear it.

I’m okay, I’m okay, just tell yourself that.

I’m up, my emotions soar, I can carry the world.

Down again, moments later, an unworthy speck.

"You don't deserve love," it reminds me.

An echo of another time formed in fear and shame.

From a place of fervent ebullience to impenetrable darkness. 

The former maybe more than just a state of being, of feeling, but rather a shell created in yearning.

The latter a place I know, a place of comfort, a home in which to breathe again.

Until I go looking for the joy.

I know it's there, maybe over there, maybe here.

I hold it tight.